How to be an Evil Deacon

In response to yesterday's reading from St. Paul on the necessary qualities of the deacon [which, I admit, I do not fulfil as I have not been married to one wife yet] and today's reading on the seraph serpents which plagued the Israelites, I would like to offer some suggestions on how one can be an Evil Deacon. [Note, for legal purposes let me state that I discourage strongly anyone following these suggestions [especially the very evil ones] - this is purely for education and entertainment - so don't tell my superiors]

Note, to enhance the effect you should feel free to respond to each suggestion by saying "Evil! Evil!" a la Kids In the Hall's Sir Simon Mulligan and his manservant Hecubus.

HOW TO BE AN EVIL DEACON

1. Because many priests have forgotten what it was like to be a deacon or what a deacon is supposed to do during the Mass, you can have a great deal of fun at the priests expense by pretending that various parts of the Mass that the priest is supposed to say are actually belong to you. Simply act like you are getting ready to say something. If the priest stops to let you speak, say - "No, that's your line." If the priest doesn't stop, look hurt - as if you only have a few lines in the Mass and you don't want to lose any.

Either way you confuse the priest and he now feels he needs to give another look at the GIRM [General Instruction of the Roman Missal]. If you do this enough times, you can really get the priest to dread having to serve with the deacon.

2. You can also get the laity pretty well confused. Whenever someone asks how you are to be addressed, give different answers - Deacon, Reverend Mister [Brother], Father Deacon, the more the better. Watch them argue over which title is more proper. Let some call you Father and don't correct them - that helps to increase the confusion.

3. [VERY EVIL SUGGESTION] - Enter a Catholic bookstore and bless everything, thus putting them out of business.

4. [VERY EVIL SUGGESTION] - Wait for someone to ask if you can hear their confession. Tell them that you can, but you will also be sure to let everyone else know what they said.